Recycled Souls #45

by Lynette Ferreira

Joshua says nothing.

I say apologetically, “I am so sorry, but that is the truth of my heart’s ailment.”

Taking a deep breath, he turns to me. “Don’t be sorry.” He smiles forlornly. “You didn’t lie and that was certainly brutally honest.”

I look down at my hands.

His voice falters when he asks, “You want some lunch?”

Looking back at him, I say hesitantly, “Okay. But it is still morning.”

He is quiet while he looks at me inquisitively. Then a spark of mischief brightens his eyes. He announces, “Wait. I have an idea. Have you ever toured Dublin?”

“Never.” I look at him curiously.

“Let’s go then.”

“Where?” I laugh softly.

“Let’s go anywhere. We will get on the tram and then we will just get off when the mood takes us. We will have lunch there, wherever and then I will bring you home safely.”

“Are you sure?” I pause and then insistent I continue, “You do understand I can only be your friend.”

“That, my sweet Elizabeth, is all I need for now.”

I catch my breath.

He looks at me with a frown between his blue eyes. “I don’t know if I said something wrong, but you have a pained expression on your face.”

I laugh it away. “It’s nothing. Really.”

“Well, you are lying, because your heart is saying something else.”

“Oh, please! How do you know what my heart is saying?”

“Your eyes are translating for me.” He smiles playfully.

“I'll have to start wearing sunglasses then because you are not the first person to say that, although previously, someone could read my emotions.”

“That’s just weird.” He grins amused.

“Oh, much weirder than knowing what my heart is saying.”

“Much, much weirder.” He chuckles as he pulls me up by my hand. “Let’s go catch a tram.”

We walk to the tram station and he buys us return tickets for the full journey. We get on the first tram and get a seat together. He tells me to sit in the window seat, so I can see the scenery as it flashes past, because shamefully I have not seen it yet.

Spontaneously we decide to get off at Dundrum and we walk toward the shopping centre. It all feels so impulsive, but exciting and it takes my mind off everything else. We eat lunch at the first restaurant that looks interesting.

I feel guilty because he keeps paying for me, so I insist, “Next time we go anywhere I will be paying.”

“That’s a date then.”

I look at him startled and, laughing, I retaliate, “Okay fine, I'll give you that one. I do enjoy your company very much anyway and I wouldn’t mind spending another day with you.”

He smiles amused. “See, I told you I would grow on you.”

“Yeah, after one day we are inseparable.”

“No, but soon.”

“Yeah, whatever.” I laugh happily—my happy.

After lunch we walk through all the shops, not just window-shopping, we walk into every shop looking at some things and touching other things.

It starts to get dark outside and he says we should be heading back. It is completely dark when we get to the tram station and laughingly, we get onto the tram when it arrives.

It is so full, there are no seats available anymore and we are all sandwiched into the standing area. Joshua stands very close to me and all I can see in front of me is his strong chest, so I turn my head and look out the window.

I inhale loudly as I see Jared walk by on the platform. He is alone and he seems deep in thought. He is walking away toward the station exit, his hands pushed deeply into his jacket pockets. He is not looking in my direction and I assume he had just gotten off the tram. I wonder if he saw me. Would he have approached me, even if he saw me laughing with Joshua? The tram moves away from the station and I cannot see him anymore.

Joshua leans down and says jokingly near my ear, “I can’t help standing so close to you, they’re pushing from behind. Although, I must admit I’m not complaining.”

I cannot say anything and continue looking out the window at the lights of the city go by, the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Gently he takes my face between both his hands and then turns my face up to look at him. Wiping my tears away with his thumbs he says softly, “What’s wrong? I know you don’t really know me, but you can tell me.”

“I think I saw him. I saw Jared.” I sob softly.

Joshua looks around and instinctively he knows whom I am talking about. “On the tram?”

“No, on the station platform.”

“You want to get off at the next station and then catch the next tram back?” He asks concerned. “It would be too late, and he'll be gone by then.”

Soothingly he wraps his arms around my shoulders and while he holds me tightly to his chest, I cry softly.

When I stop crying, I feel embarrassed, so I keep my head against his chest, feeling safe within the strength of his arms. I see his reflection in the window, and he looks sad as he stares out.

The last stop for the tram is at the Green, so we get off and catch a taxi to my apartment, neither one of us say a word.

I insist and pay the taxi when we get out.

"Coffee?” I offer politely.

“No, you’re all right. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

As he walks away toward the train station, his shoulders are slightly slumped, and his hands are pushed deep into his jean’s pockets. My eyes follow him sadly.

That night I cry myself to sleep—the first time in a while.

Joshua seems distant during the week before we all go home for Christmas. He still talks to me and he is still friendly, and I still find him staring at me when he thinks I am not looking, but he is not the same Joshua from the weekend. Not once in that whole week do I hear or see him laughing.

I go home for Christmas. Jane and I catch the train to Galway together. All Jane can talk about is Kevin this and Kevin that. While I listen to her and stare out of the window, enjoying the view of the countryside, I make sure to make the right noises and say the right things at just the right times. I know she has always been there for me, but my mind is over flowingly full of thoughts and I cannot listen to another glowing tribute to the love-god Kevin. In one moment, I have Jared on my mind, wondering what he was doing in Dundrum and then the next moment, Joshua and how for one day he amazingly made me feel happy and excited, so carefree.

The next day after getting home, my mum and Sean jets us off to Spain. I think despondently that just once would I like to have a winter Christmas with the tree lights flashing and competing with the glow from the fire, a warm cosy lounge and snow falling outside. Nevertheless, here I go again to another warm and sunny beach. Apparently to get some sun in my bones before I start suffering from depression, which according to my mum is a real threat to me, judging by the way I have been acting since being sun deprived.